“Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship of your life.” – Neil Pasricha, The Happiness Equation
What does love look like when it doesn’t point inward?
It’s a cliché phrase, said to death, and can get a bit annoying.
You have to learn to love yourself first. The people who hate this phrase are in denial of the painful truth.
You’ve Got to Love Yourself First.
I want to be clear about something. Needing to love yourself first in NO WAY implies that you are not worthy of love. That’s not what I’m saying, at all. Everyone is worthy of love.
But if you don’t love yourself, how YOU show love to others will be warped, difficult, and confused.
YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Don’t forget that.
So, you’re thinking, what does love look like when it’s not pointing inward?
I know a girl who can’t seem to be happy without a boyfriend.
She goes through phases on social media where every post is of them together, of her boyfriend and how much she loves him, or just her and a note saying how much she loves/misses him. How she can’t imagine life without him.
#inlove, #love, #togetherforever
You get the picture.
The thing is, her relationships never last longer than a few months (if that).
Inevitably, something will happen and the next post you’ll see is a sad one about how her heart has been broken and she’s #donewithlove.
There is a problem here, and it’s not her string of boyfriends.
She doesn’t know how to love herself first, and if she does, she hasn’t been putting herself first. Sometimes it’s more selfish to make it all about the other person.
Loving yourself first is the only way you’ll EVER be able to truly show love to someone else.
There are six Greek words for love, but the ones I want you to understand right now are Eros, Pragma, Agape, and Philautia.
Eros is sexual, romantic, passionate love. This is your love for your partner when you first clicked. It’s your love for your spouse when you got married! It’s the love of date nights and the passion that follows. The love that burns so bright you can’t control it.
Pragma is mature love. This is the love of couples who spend decades together. It’s about patience, tolerance, compromise, and making your partner’s happiness YOUR happiness. It’s the cute love of little old ladies and little old men who grin at each other over breakfast because they’re in love with their life together.
Agape is love for everyone. This is your love for your family, your friends, and strangers. The love that has you smiling at everyone on the street.
Finally, Philautia is self-love. The Greeks knew that there were two kinds of self-love: narcissistic and healthy.
This is the love you need to learn:
“The idea was that if you like yourself and feel secure in yourself, you will have plenty of love to give others. […] Or, as Aristotle put it, ‘All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.’” – YesMagazine
Okay, so what’s the point of all that?
If you don’t know what self-love (Philautia) looks like, your idea of sexual/romantic love (Eros), long-lasting love (Pragma), and love for everyone else (Agape) is in danger of being warped.Self-love defines how you love others. Click To Tweet
Narcissists, on the other hand, are a whole other kettle of fish, and someone who loves herself with true confidence and comfort wouldn’t be a narcissist.
Want a quick reference guide to the six types of Greek Love?
Like and Love
You must always love yourself. But, you don’t always have to like yourself.
The two are different.
You can love you brother, but not like him at the moment. You can love your dog, but not like that your dog just chewed up your couch. And you must love yourself, but you don’t have to like where you are in life.
That’s where you start the change.
With that, there are a few signs to watch out for that indicate you need to learn to love yourself first.
Social Media is Drowning in Posts About Your Significant Other
You post on social media like the girl I know at the beginning of this article. You just can’t help yourself from broadcasting to your network how amazing and sexy and fabulous and wonderful and did you mention how amazing your boyfriend is? Or how much you miss him?
That’s bragging, not Eros.
That’s attention-seeking, not Agape.
You’re measuring approval for your choice by how many people like it and comment, not Philautia.
AKA: You’re not loving yourself first.
You’re Vaguebooking Like Nobody’s Business
Vaguebooking is the term for when someone posts a status update saying things like:
- “Ugh. So done with people.”
- “Just lost faith in my friends. You know who you are.”
- “I hate life.”
- “I’m so done with love.”
- “I can’t believe that just happened. So mad.”
People who vaguebook are looking for attention. They don’t have the self-esteem or self-confidence to deal with their problems themselves. No Philautia involved.
Instead, they wait for the influx of comments saying, “You alright boo?” and then reply with “I’ll msg you” because it makes them feel better and they don’t actually want to air their problems on social media. They just want attention.
Their Philautia is warped.
Don’t be that person. Please. You’re better than that.
You Find Yourself Envying the Good Relationships of Others
You find yourself jealously scrolling through your friends’ feeds wishing you had the good fortune to be with a dude like her dude or a chick like his chick. If you constantly envy other people for having steady significant others, it’s a sign that you don’t know what real Pragma looks like, and you have not learned to love yourself.
You need to learn Philautia.
In this case, the last thing that should happen is you trying to find a partner.
Nothing good can come from that. You’ll spend the “relationship” trying to be whoever the other person wants you to be, and in doing so you’re lying to yourself about who you are.
“There is nothing more satisfying than being loved for who you are and nothing more painful than being loved for who you’re not but pretending to be.” - Neil Pasricha, The Happiness Equation Click To Tweet
If you don’t know how to love yourself for who you are, flaws and all, how can you expect to love someone else for who they are, flaws and all? It’s not a question of the other person’s emotional integrity, it’s a question of yours.
None of Your Relationships Are Working
You’ve had a string of partners and they were all the same! Such jerks!
When this happens you’re at risk of developing the idea that #allmensuck or #allwomenarebitches. This reminds me of the Reddit niceguys community where dudes lament to each other about how nice they’ve been to the women they meet and they STILL haven’t gotten any tail.
None of them know how to love themselves.When there's a repeated problem with you holding on to relationships, the problem is you. Click To Tweet
That might not be a nice thing to hear.
Why would you want someone to tell you that you’re the problem?
Well, if you’re truly interested in bettering yourself and finally being able to have a healthy, long-lasting, emotionally strong relationship, you should be.
Eros, Pragma, Agape, and Philautia.
You should be begging people to tell you when you do stupid things that throw you off the rails towards that goal, because how else will you be able to improve?If you don't know where you're lacking (in anything, not just relationships) you will not be able to get past that obstacle. Click To Tweet
In being closest to ourselves, we often miss the biggest problems.
It Starts With Acceptance
I want my relationships to get progressively better as I get older. If I’m doing something that my husband, family, or friends can see is actively damaging my ability to love myself, I want them to tell me about it!
I want to know when I’m going off the rails because if I don’t, I will become somebody who I don’t even like.
So, the next obvious question is how do you learn to love yourself!?
It starts with acceptance.
Accepting that you are who you are, how you are, is the first step.
“Beeeeee yourself!” – Robin Williams as Genie in Aladdin
You might be able to change who you are through a lot of effort and repetition, but if you simply accept yourself for who you are RIGHT NOW, you’ll be well on your way.
The hardest part is just starting.
Wallowing in self-pity won’t get you anywhere.
But accepting your situation for what it is, will. It’ll get you started.
Thankfully, that acquaintance is posting more about putting herself first and learning how to love herself. That’s what progress looks like.
I Was Guilty Too
This concept of self-love is important to me because I struggled with it. Sometimes I still do.
At one point I vaguebooked. I looked at the relationships of others and wondered why I didn’t have that. I posted a lot on Facebook about a boyfriend, that relationship failed, and I was sad.
I’m married to an awesome dude now and for the record, I don’t post anything on social media about my husband unless it’s his birthday or our anniversary. He might get mentions here but I don’t drown you guys with my opinion of how great he is.
I had to learn how to love myself first.
What About You?
What are you currently thinking about this? Does it make you angry? Frustrated? Do you think I’m wrong about something?
Do you love yourself?
Please, let me know in the comments or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Always remember that you are worthy of love no matter how much or how well you love yourself.
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